xXx
A bald man thrashing;
a muscle tattoo
punches a man
things explode.
Legally Blonde
A blonde woman
isn’t stupid;
she is instead
an attorney.
The Fast and the Furious
Some people go fast
in Hot Wheels cars.
Vin Diesel sports
a grappling hook.
Under Siege
Steven Seagal
is not a chef, oh no.
He kills, things explode,
with no expression.
Rocky
A squared circle, a newcomer
with a face like a stupid cliff
steps in and takes out the Champ,
incoherently mumbling a name.
The Day After Tomorrow
A father and son kept apart
by the world’s biggest storm?
America doesn’t think so!
Do wolves live onboard ships?
Richie Rich
The boy is loathsome;
stuffed with golden cheeseburgers
he fights robbers and buys friends
in his own private American Dream.
Moonwalker
Michael Jackson fights
drug gangs and Joe Pesci
to save kids; he turns
in to a freaking robot.
Con Air
Imagine the acting in TV’s Casualty
in an world in which John Malkovich
hijacks an aeroplane and Nicolas Cage
has long hair and an appalling accent.
Titanic
Leo Di Caprio fucks
Kate Winslet.
I think we all know
how this one ends.
Terminator Salvation
A great war between man
and machines rages brutally
unseen, unheard and unfelt
beyond a gruff Christian Bale.
Lethal Weapon
Riggs!
He’s crazy!
I am too old
for this shit.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Scenes fly by, claws scythe
Logan drowns in introduction.
Hugh Jackman is unmasked,
Stan Lee burns the family tree.
Night at the Museum
T-Rex skeleton stamps marble hallways
where the indigenous live behind glass.
Robin Williams is an American hero
heartstrings drip acrid schmaltz.
The Yes Man (Based on a book by Danny Wallace)
Everyone’s favourite rubber-face
Jim Carrey, shouts and gurns throughout
mawkish Yankee hawk shit carved
from purebred British horse-cock.
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