Recommended Reading

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7 - The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

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Hollywood Abridged

xXx

A bald man thrashing;
a muscle tattoo
punches a man
things explode.

Legally Blonde

A blonde woman
isn’t stupid;
she is instead
an attorney.

The Fast and the Furious

Some people go fast
in Hot Wheels cars.
Vin Diesel sports
a grappling hook.

Under Siege

Steven Seagal
is not a chef, oh no.
He kills, things explode,
with no expression.

Rocky

A squared circle, a newcomer
with a face like a stupid cliff
steps in and takes out the Champ,
incoherently mumbling a name.

The Day After Tomorrow

A father and son kept apart
by the world’s biggest storm?
America doesn’t think so!
Do wolves live onboard ships?

Richie Rich

The boy is loathsome;
stuffed with golden cheeseburgers
he fights robbers and buys friends
in his own private American Dream.

Moonwalker

Michael Jackson fights
drug gangs and Joe Pesci
to save kids; he turns
in to a freaking robot.

Con Air

Imagine the acting in TV’s Casualty
in an world in which John Malkovich
hijacks an aeroplane and Nicolas Cage
has long hair and an appalling accent.

Titanic

Leo Di Caprio fucks
Kate Winslet.
I think we all know
how this one ends.

Terminator Salvation

A great war between man
and machines rages brutally
unseen, unheard and unfelt
beyond a gruff Christian Bale.

Lethal Weapon

Riggs!
He’s crazy!
I am too old
for this shit.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Scenes fly by, claws scythe
Logan drowns in introduction.
Hugh Jackman is unmasked,
Stan Lee burns the family tree.

Night at the Museum

T-Rex skeleton stamps marble hallways
where the indigenous live behind glass.
Robin Williams is an American hero
heartstrings drip acrid schmaltz.

The Yes Man (Based on a book by Danny Wallace)

Everyone’s favourite rubber-face
Jim Carrey, shouts and gurns throughout
mawkish Yankee hawk shit carved
from purebred British horse-cock.

Hot Flirt Prime Silk

Hot
Flirt
Prime
Silk

Hol
Furt
Plime
Sick

Hel
Fuct
Plimp
Suck

Hem
Funt
Plump
Sock

Hen
Fust
Slump
Pock

Fen
Lust
Stump
Pork

Fem
Lush
Stomp
Fork

Humonkey

Aged twenty-five, bedtime is all arm-swinging
and ball-scratching, increasingly aware of ape-like ways
scrabbling low at beige carpet, grunting and lazy,
cold and naked, close the door to my own cage
with a raging erection which requires reaction
but my mate is so far away so, frustrated and alone,
beat out the rest of this metaphor before falling
snoring asleep; just five short evolutionary steps
short of flinging shit with my sweet prehensile tail.